My time with some Fresh Air

One of the pleasures of my life is listening to National Public Radio when I drive around in my car.  I know it’s pretty dorky but it’s the only talk radio show that I can stand to listen to anymore and as it turns out it’s actually great programming .  One of my favorite shows on N.P.R. is Fresh Air with Terry Gross and unless I’m listening to music on my Blackberry you can find her on my radio daily as I drive home from work.

This past Wednesday Terry was interviewing comedian Louis C.K. who stars in the FX TV series Louie. 

Now to be honest I wasn't very interested in Mr. C.K. since I had never heard of him or his show but my interest was aroused when he started speaking about his gay comedian friend Rick Crom.who also happens to have a character on the show as well .

Now I found two things to be very interesting in what Mr. C.K. had to say about gay people.  The first was how he came to know Rick and how he was interested enough to ask him about his life and being gay, and how Rick responded.

Louis wanted to use the word faggot in his stand up act and since Rick was the only gay guy he knew he asked him how he felt about it.  Now what I liked was how Rick responded, he pretty much said yes it hurts if you mean it, because of the hate that often is behind the word but if you want to use it onstage in your act, go for it and get your laughs.

He then asked Mr. C.K. “Are you interested to know what it might mean to gay men? “  To which Mr. C.K. responded “Yeah, I am interested. “

Rick then said:  “Well, the word faggot really means a bundle of sticks used for kindling in a fire. Now, in the Middle Ages, when they used to burn people they thought were witches, they used to burn homosexuals, too. And they used to burn the witches at a stake, but they thought the homosexuals were too low and disgusting to be given a stake to be burned on. So they used to just throw them in with the kindling, with the other faggots. So that's how you get flaming faggot…you know, now you know what it means.“

Now just having come out to a small part of my world, I luckily haven't had to deal with this issue personally but I have seen others deal with it as I stood silently on the sidelines and watched in fear that if I spoke up I might be branded as “one of them” and my dark secret would be known..

I know I have struggled with fear a lot in my life, as I’m sure a lot of other gay Mormon’s have, but as I have learned to move past the fear I have found that in most cases my fears have been unfounded and have kept me back in moving forward in my life. 

Brendan Francis said, “Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.”

Finding that single step has brought me great joy because it has set me free from the darkness and I have decided to do better in my future in tackling my fears.

I really respect Louis friend Rick for taking the stand and sharing his feelings as a friend even if the actual story of the word faggot is true or not, what is important is the impact it had on Mr. C.K., he said since his friend shared that with him he has never forgotten it and because of that we find this story being retold in a sitcom on national television  Which I hope will bring more good and understanding to the world.

The second part of the interview that I found very interesting  was Mr. C.K.’s feelings on why gay men he knows are more confidant and centered than their fellow heterosexual men.

Mr. C.K. says: “And it's funny because, you know, gay men have to - they're put sort of a crucible. And I'm speak--you know, it's not - I'm just taking liberty in saying this. Gay men have to go through something to own their - who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people.

They come out having been tested and having to really figure out who they are to get through it, because I think that's how you get through any kind of a test is by really finding your strengths and believing in yourself. So a lot of gay people who are still standing and still strong, that's who they are.

Heterosexual men have never been put through that test. We don't get -nobody goes, oh, my God, you like women? And you don't have to defend it for your whole life. So we're not so sure about our sexuality. I think that's one reason why heterosexual men attack gay people or are afraid of them because they're now confident and they've gone through this, but we don't know who we are sexually. We're a mess. So I think that that's why the two sides of the sexual barrier is such an interesting - it's such an interesting conflict”

Speaking for myself since this is my blog, I feel that Louis is spot on with his observations about gay men being put through a crucible of sorts in life, especially MOHO’s. I spent most of my life in denial of my sexuality because I was afraid to find out what would happen to my “perfect” life if I was to ever admit I was gay.  When I did “go though something of my own”  I really had to search for inner  strength and belief in myself to get me through the tough times.  Having done so though, I found that I am more confident and a stronger person then before.  I also find that I’m in a much better place then when I started.

That’s part of the problem I think heterosexuals face, not really understanding first what it’s like to be gay but also not understanding the journey we have to face when we figure this complicated mess out ourselves.