I had planned on blogging sooner since I got back from my vacation but there is always something that comes up that takes priority over sitting down and writing my thoughts out for the world to read. I will try to do better and am starting with this post.
Trust is something that I have a hard time giving to people in my life because I have been hurt by those close to me when I was younger. Coming out to my family was one of the hardest things I have ever done but one of the most important.
Once I was able to reconcile my feelings about being gay and was able to end the denial about my sexuality I was able to out myself to my parents. In doing so I had to put my trust in them that they would still be there for me and accept me. Of course I had no way of knowing how it would turn out and had to go way out on a limb in doing so but it worked out for the best. I must say even though my parents are very stanch Mormons and don’t agree with being gay they are still there for me and express their love for me.
Once that giant step was taken I was ready and able to tackle the issue with the many brothers and sisters I have. I’m one for managing my stress so I took the task of telling them one at a time and on my own time. I”m happy to say that each one that I have talked to have said that they still love, respect and think I’m still the same brother to them.
I have even told a few of my close friends and trusted them with my “secret” and so far so good. My experience up to this point with trusting others with my most personal feelings has been very good and my capacity to trust has grown which is a good thing.
When I dated girls I never was concerned with the trust issue, because I knew deep down that nothing would ever come from the dates. They were just for “fun”. I feel I was just using the girls as another mask to hide my real self and to keep everyone around me happy because of the great expectation of marriage and family in the Mormon culture. How could I as a closeted Mormon ever Really trust a girl I was dating with who I really was…?
Which leads me to a new chapter in my life, one where I am starting to date other guys. Here I still have a hard time with trust. With family and friends I had already invested a lot of myself in before hand and the risks although very high were worth it to me. Now I have thoroughly enjoyed the times I have had dating but I'm concerned about putting myself out there emotionally because of the great risk of being hurt. I lack the trust in another gay guy because I have seen a lot of my friends get hurt and have heard that gay relationships “really don’t last”.
The other half of my concern is hurting others unintentionally. Now I strongly believe that with any good relationship one should start out as friends and then see where it goes. So I’m very friendly and love making new friends and keeping in touch with old ones. In doing so I think some guys mistake my friendliness with something more and I find myself in the situation of guys falling for me and having them express their love for me. I don’t think I am anything but honest with those I talk to and let all guys know that I am planning on dating a lot before I have any serious relationship with anyone guy, but still feel that some don’t get it and I see them getting hurt and I hate thinking that I’m part of any persons hurt.
So I’m trying to sort out how much trust do I let myself put out I guess as I start dating. I know that the basis of most good relationships is trust. If you cannot trust the other person, then the relationship is never going to run very deep. Building trust takes time, especially when one or both parties have been hurt in the past but I have all the time in the world and have learned to be patience. Even if I sometimes get tired of being patience.
What I want out of life now is a relationship that runs deep and is meaningful. So I think it will be a trial and error sort of practice for me and I’m confident that I will get it right as I search for “Mr. Right”. “Gold is refined through intense heat.” and there is a lot of heat to go around.
