I’ve been meaning to share this for awhile because I thought it would be useful to those who may be coming out now themselves. When I wrote this I was very happy for the ideas and suggestions of others who had already gone through this process. So best of luck and feel free to email me with any questions.
I will say this.. I wrote this letter so I could get all of my feelings and ideas down and present it to my parents in a way where they could read it and reread it before we talked about it. It worked very well for me and my situation but a letter might not work best for everyone. My life has been soo much better since I took this major step and it gets better everyday. Perfect no…but better!
Mom, Dad, and Step Parents,
I just wanted to let you know how much you mean to me and that I love you. Even though I don’t show my feelings very often, please know that you mean the world to me and I appreciate your examples.
I have a strong testimony of the gospel, I know God lives and The Church of Jesus Christ is true. I know the plan of happiness is true, but I find myself stuck in neutral on the road back to our Father in Heaven. I have always tried to be a good son and member of the Church. I have never wanted to let you down, and I really want you to be proud of me in whatever I do in life. However, I feel like I'm going to let you down with the news I'm going to share with you in this letter.
I need to take a quick moment and explain the reasons that I decided to write you this letter instead of talking with you in person or over the phone. First, this is a long letter and it contains a lot of information. You can read it slowly, read it over multiple times, or take a break if you want. With a conversation, when it’s over, it’s over and there’s nothing tangible that we can go back to for review, clarification, or validation. Second, this gives you the opportunity to let the information settle before you react. Reading this letter, and for me writing this letter, we’re able to cry, get mad, or do anything else we need to do. With conversations, it’s face to face. There’s also the possibility that your emotions could give way to misunderstandings that create unnecessary concerns or prompt ill-founded comments. The last reason is that telling you my feelings is very hard for me to do. I can look at my computer screen and type the feelings of my heart and mind, but I don’t know that I could look into your faces and share it completely. I respect your ideas and opinions, and I treasure the virtues and values you’ve taught me. I think it’s because of how much I love you and how highly I esteem the things you’ve taught me that I don’t want to do this in person. Do understand though, that I fully expect to talk with you about this over the phone and in person. In fact, I want to. I don't want my feelings to never be talked about. I just felt that it would be most helpful to breach the surface with a letter…so, here it is.
I never imagined that I would be at this point in my life, but after much prayer I feel I need to tell you that I have same sex attractions, or in other words, I’m gay. What I’m supposed to desire and experience relative to girls, I experience with guys.
What does that mean? Even though I have tried long and hard, I just don’t have any attractions for girls. I only feel an attraction towards guys. My attraction to guys goes far beyond the physical attraction; it does have a physical component, but it is a matter of feeling fulfilled on an emotional, social, spiritual, and personal level. For me, the physical attraction to guys is simply that, physical. I am attracted to good looking guys, just like each of you are attracted to the opposite sex, but my attractions are more than that, as I explained above. I don’t know if I can really explain it any better for you because it is so personal. I don’t think I could find words to express how I really feel.
I did not choose to be gay, and you didn’t choose to be straight. You didn’t choose to have blonde or brown hair. You didn’t choose to be left or right handed. It is something that is a part of me and my nature. There are a lot of different theories about the causes of homosexuality and some may be closer to the truth than others, but it depends on the person. I don’t really have an opinion one way or the other, but I don’t think it really matters. Having these attractions are as natural to me as my love for you as my family.
I do appreciate a beautiful woman and can respect women for the blessed part they play in God’s plan. But the thought of me being married to woman is disheartening. As you all know, I’ve dated some great girls, and we subsequently became good friends. However, for each of them there came a time when they wanted to take the next step in our relationship and I just couldn’t do it. I would try so hard to reconcile my feelings and desires—to allow myself to further pursue those relationships—but it became so much more of a chore than something I enjoyed. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us. I loved them, but I was not in love with them in a way that I could marry them. I didn’t want to marry them to fill the emptiness in my life and to meet others expectations. That, I felt and continue to feel, would bring me even more unhappiness and heartache in my life. I only want to marry someone for the right reasons in the house of the Lord, someone I love with all my heart who will love me back for who I am.
I know our society only shows the outlandish and fringe gay people in the media but those are society’s stereotypes of homosexuals. As you know, I'm not like that and it is not who I want to be. I’m not a pedophile, and I’m not hyper-sexual or confused. I’m a Mormon living the gospel who’s gay. You must remember that my attractions only make up a small part of who I am. I am much more than my attractions, I am AKLDS.
I’ve finally come to terms with what I feel–I know what it means. Now, the only question is what I’m going to do about it. I’m sure that you feel surprised when I say that I’m not sure what I’ll do about it. Right now just taking this step is a big one for me, but I plan on living a gospel centered life as best as I can as I search for happiness. I might need some time and help from you to figure out the path that is best for me. It is my hope that you will have an open mind to help me discover my way in life.
The obvious and easy answer is to fix it and move on to marriage and a family—that’s the purpose of this life. So, God will help us to achieve it, right? Well, that’s not the case; our trials in life just don’t always disappear for everyone. I’ve known for a long time that I had these feelings. I thought I could just suppress them and that if I tried replacing them with other feelings they would go away. I’ve tried being faithful in the church, pleading with the Lord, fasting, temple attendance, patience and every other possibility but for me the Lord has other plans. I’ve really tried for the past 15 years or so. I’ve realized that I’m probably going to have this trial until the next life, which is now ok with me. It could be something much worse.
It’s not a sickness. The church has altered its position regarding "changing" homosexuals. Decades ago, Spencer Kimball wrote: "Certainly it can be overcome, for there are numerous happy people who were once involved in its clutches and who have since completely transformed their lives. Therefore to those who say that this practice or any other evil is incurable, I respond: ‘How can you say the door cannot be opened until your knuckles are bloody, till your head is bruised, till your muscles are sore?’ It can be done." In the present day, the church acknowledges that homosexuals "may not be free of this challenge in this life" and that marriage should not be seen as a means of treating or changing someone.
I also want to say that I don’t loathe myself for feeling this way anymore, I’m not trying to hide it anymore, and I’m not trying to change myself anymore—through my faith in God, therapy, visits with priesthood leaders, or any other means. I finally received an answer to my prayers over the last month. I now feel at peace and understand that I am exactly the way God made me. He has no plans on changing me, because this is who I am. In my Patriarchal Blessing it tells me “He will tempt you with some of his most vile sins and influences.” I’ve know I have this adversity and he wants me to learn from it. That doesn’t mean that I don’t believe he can change me. I believe he can, but he doesn’t want me to change this part of me. He wants me to grow from this trial. Just like he has the power to heal both my sister and brother in their extreme physical trials, he probably will not in this life. Am I ok with this? Yes.
My patriarchal blessing also tells me “Prepare for your greatest Priesthood calling, that of a husband and father. Carry the title of “Father” with pride and dedication knowing it is the title by which we address the God of All Creation. You will be blessed with a faithful companion and sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise. You will be blessed with spirits from heaven. Direct the destiny of your family with love, patience, and understanding.” The desire to be sealed to a beautiful and faithful companion and have a family burns so deeply in my heart, but at this point in my life I just can’t see it happing any time soon. My heartaches as I watch friends and family marry and enjoy the companionship of a spouse and the joy of children in their lives. I'm happy for them, but I would be more happy If I had that joy in my life. One thing I have learned throughout my life is to have patience and faith.
So where am I today?
I know that I am a loved son of God. I know he wants me to have all of the blessings of eternal life. He wants me to become like Him. I know that he calls prophets and apostle and I sustain them as such and I know that I need to continue to exercise faith in my life.
I believe that there is a large misunderstanding in the church and the world about my trial. Everyone has some challenges they have to struggle with. Homosexuality is common in our society and it has also become much politicized. Elder Holland said: “in saying this, let me make it clear that attractions alone, troublesome as they may be, do not make one unworthy. The First Presidency has stated, “There is a distinction between immoral thoughts and feelings and participating in either immoral heterosexual or any homosexual behavior.” If you do not act on temptations, you have not transgressed. The sin is in yielding to temptation. Temptation is not unique.” Even the Savior was tempted.
I’m far from being like the Savior but it’s my goal to become like him. I know and love his teachings and the values the church has distilled in me. I feel happy when I live the gospel. I know that through the Atonement I can receive the opportunity, as long as I am willing, to prepare myself for eternal life with him. I have felt the hand of God in my life and know he knows me personally and is willing to help and guide me in my adversity if I allow him. I also know that I am not perfect and will make mistakes as I go through life, but I know no matter how far down a path I go, I can always turn around.
One thing that has brought me great comfort was reading a talk Elder Bruce Hafen gave that said:
"Elder Maxwell once taught a group of people who lived with really hard daily challenges. He had been watching the Olympic diving competition, where he had learned that the judges grade a dive not just by how graceful it looks to the public, but by how difficult the dive is—which only the judges can understand enough to measure. Elder Maxwell told this group that the Lord will judge their lives by the difficulty of their dive, which He understands in every detail."
I know that God is the only one who knows me 100% and I will be judged by only him and I am ok with that because I know he knows how hard my "dive" is in life.
I’m still sometimes confused and depressed about this trial but I am trying to understand it more and more each day. I know that I experience something about guys that I can’t experience about girls or at least haven’t yet. I wish I was straight, life would be so much easier, but dwelling on this wishing has brought me into serious depression too many times. I’m ready to move on. I’ve tried therapy at school and it didn’t help. I’m not going to try and change the way I am anymore. I will always try to allow the spirit to influence my choices, but only by making choices myself can I grow in this life.
What will I do then? I’m not sure. I love you. I’m the same person I was yesterday, last week, last year and have always been. I haven’t changed who I am at all. I’m just being open and honest finally about my feelings and I will try my best not to strip myself of integrity or morals by being a lustful or promiscuous person. But I feel I need to make some lasting meaningful friendships in my life for me to find some happiness.
I have joined some groups online with other LDS gay guys who are in the same boat as I and have also become friends with other LDS gay guys online. It has helped a lot knowing for the first time in my life that I am not alone with this trial. It feels great being able to talk to someone honestly and open who understand what I am going through. My outlook on life has improved because of the friendships I have made. Life sucks when you always feel so alone and desire so much for a real connection with another person.
I don’t really know what the future holds for me. I have a hard time planning and setting any great goals because I feel it’s kind of pointless to work so hard for what, myself? What good will a lot of money and a big house do for me if I’m alone and no one to share it with. So I look towards the future with some hesitancy. I am a little afraid I’ll become someone that I’ll regret, or that I’ll regret living alone, or that I’ll regret marrying, or that I’ll regret something that I might choose to do in the future.
I know what I want, I know what is true, and I know where I should be, but knowing these things hasn’t always stopped me from making mistakes. I really want to live the gospel because I know it's true. At the same time I'm so tired of being alone. Trying to live the Gospel while dealing with same sex attraction is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. In order to get the square through, something’s got to give. I want to enjoy life with someone who I can love and will love me for who I am. I’m not sure where this desire will take me but I want you to know it’s real and it’s something that I will have to face sometime in my life. How am I going to live in the future? I greatly desire to live according to the gospel but to be completely honest I will have to face the future when I get there.
It’s taken me a lifetime of pain, hurt, confusion, friendships, guidance, struggling, mistakes and pondering to bring me to where I’m at today—a feeling of acceptance and readiness to move on with a different life than I had ever anticipated or expected. Some days, while attending church or just being at home, I feel completely miserable. I constantly have a feeling of being alone even though I have great family and friends. Sometimes comments are made concerning, marriage, and homosexuality that just tear me up inside.
However, I know I have felt happiness at church and that I have been comforted due to the spirit and through personal prayer. Just a few weeks ago I really didn’t feel like going to church because I had been depressed all weekend, but because I went, I felt the tender mercies of the Lord as certain things were said during the talks given and especially during the Sunday school lesson. I know He loves me.
One of the things I greatly desire from my family members who I tell is the love, support, and acceptance of this challenge I have. I wish that all of you may keep your minds open in order to comprehend what is going through my mind and heart and to have the ability to understand why I make the decisions I do.
I understand it will be hard for you to accept this but I pray you will still see me for the person I am and not my trials. I know that it has taken a lot of time for me to accept this part of me so I promise to be patient with you. Believe me I know it definitely takes time to wrap your mind around this, but do feel assured that things are OK and that they are going to remain that way. I’m mostly healthy except this dang cough, most often happy, and prepared to move forward with a productive life whatever it may be.
I am always willing to talk privately if you have any questions, which I’m sure you will.
Please don’t tell any extended family or friends. If you want my brothers and sisters to know, please let me tell them. If you want to keep this between the four of us for now, that’s ok too. I love you guys and feel really fortunate to have you in my life.
One last thing: After reading this if you have concerns that I’m going to do or say something that you would have previously considered inconsistent with me and my character, understand that I have not changed and that I am exactly the same person you knew yesterday. I’ve not been pretending or faking my personality. I’m still me. I love my family and extended family, the church, traveling, learning, playing games, skiing, reading, being with friends, teaching, serving others, and just being myself. That’s all unchangeable. Please don’t let this bring you down too much. I’m sure this won’t be the last trial our family faces. We are not unstable, in crisis, or in need of immediate action. Take your time, don’t dwell on it, and remember who I really am.
I really try to keep my feelings and problems close to my chest but now know that doing so hasn’t brought me much happiness. The fear of rejection by my family and that I will be treated differently has kept me from being true to myself and those whom I love for too long.
The reason for this letter is to really let you know that I love you and for you to know who I am and hope for your love and support.
Most importantly please don’t blame yourselves. It’s not your fault. I don’t think you will blame yourselves but if you try, understand there is nowhere to point the blame. It’s just one of my trials in life. I pray for the best and for your understanding. I love you all very much.
Love,
Your son
AKLDS
