Vacation!

So it's been a crazy week and I just haven't had time to post but will when I get some time.  Today though I'm going to be enjoying the sun and heat of Utah!

My time with some Fresh Air

One of the pleasures of my life is listening to National Public Radio when I drive around in my car.  I know it’s pretty dorky but it’s the only talk radio show that I can stand to listen to anymore and as it turns out it’s actually great programming .  One of my favorite shows on N.P.R. is Fresh Air with Terry Gross and unless I’m listening to music on my Blackberry you can find her on my radio daily as I drive home from work.

This past Wednesday Terry was interviewing comedian Louis C.K. who stars in the FX TV series Louie. 

Now to be honest I wasn't very interested in Mr. C.K. since I had never heard of him or his show but my interest was aroused when he started speaking about his gay comedian friend Rick Crom.who also happens to have a character on the show as well .

Now I found two things to be very interesting in what Mr. C.K. had to say about gay people.  The first was how he came to know Rick and how he was interested enough to ask him about his life and being gay, and how Rick responded.

Louis wanted to use the word faggot in his stand up act and since Rick was the only gay guy he knew he asked him how he felt about it.  Now what I liked was how Rick responded, he pretty much said yes it hurts if you mean it, because of the hate that often is behind the word but if you want to use it onstage in your act, go for it and get your laughs.

He then asked Mr. C.K. “Are you interested to know what it might mean to gay men? “  To which Mr. C.K. responded “Yeah, I am interested. “

Rick then said:  “Well, the word faggot really means a bundle of sticks used for kindling in a fire. Now, in the Middle Ages, when they used to burn people they thought were witches, they used to burn homosexuals, too. And they used to burn the witches at a stake, but they thought the homosexuals were too low and disgusting to be given a stake to be burned on. So they used to just throw them in with the kindling, with the other faggots. So that's how you get flaming faggot…you know, now you know what it means.“

Now just having come out to a small part of my world, I luckily haven't had to deal with this issue personally but I have seen others deal with it as I stood silently on the sidelines and watched in fear that if I spoke up I might be branded as “one of them” and my dark secret would be known..

I know I have struggled with fear a lot in my life, as I’m sure a lot of other gay Mormon’s have, but as I have learned to move past the fear I have found that in most cases my fears have been unfounded and have kept me back in moving forward in my life. 

Brendan Francis said, “Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.”

Finding that single step has brought me great joy because it has set me free from the darkness and I have decided to do better in my future in tackling my fears.

I really respect Louis friend Rick for taking the stand and sharing his feelings as a friend even if the actual story of the word faggot is true or not, what is important is the impact it had on Mr. C.K., he said since his friend shared that with him he has never forgotten it and because of that we find this story being retold in a sitcom on national television  Which I hope will bring more good and understanding to the world.

The second part of the interview that I found very interesting  was Mr. C.K.’s feelings on why gay men he knows are more confidant and centered than their fellow heterosexual men.

Mr. C.K. says: “And it's funny because, you know, gay men have to - they're put sort of a crucible. And I'm speak--you know, it's not - I'm just taking liberty in saying this. Gay men have to go through something to own their - who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people.

They come out having been tested and having to really figure out who they are to get through it, because I think that's how you get through any kind of a test is by really finding your strengths and believing in yourself. So a lot of gay people who are still standing and still strong, that's who they are.

Heterosexual men have never been put through that test. We don't get -nobody goes, oh, my God, you like women? And you don't have to defend it for your whole life. So we're not so sure about our sexuality. I think that's one reason why heterosexual men attack gay people or are afraid of them because they're now confident and they've gone through this, but we don't know who we are sexually. We're a mess. So I think that that's why the two sides of the sexual barrier is such an interesting - it's such an interesting conflict”

Speaking for myself since this is my blog, I feel that Louis is spot on with his observations about gay men being put through a crucible of sorts in life, especially MOHO’s. I spent most of my life in denial of my sexuality because I was afraid to find out what would happen to my “perfect” life if I was to ever admit I was gay.  When I did “go though something of my own”  I really had to search for inner  strength and belief in myself to get me through the tough times.  Having done so though, I found that I am more confident and a stronger person then before.  I also find that I’m in a much better place then when I started.

That’s part of the problem I think heterosexuals face, not really understanding first what it’s like to be gay but also not understanding the journey we have to face when we figure this complicated mess out ourselves.

Flooding Memories

Recently this past month I moved into a new apartment across town, which happens to be the same apt I grew up in when I was growing up.  It’s odd thinking that I now sleep in the same room my brothers and sisters were conceived in.  My first gay experience happened just behind this duplex in the alleyway with my best friend as we played around.  I also had my fist playing “doctor” with another young girl friend in the duplex next door. 

So many memories from my past happened here.  The front door is the same door I stood at and asked my Father why he divorced my Mother.  His response still rings in my head to this day.  “I just didn’t love her anymore.”  Not all memories were bad. I vividly remember getting baptized and having a family party after in the kitchen and eating all the cookies I wanted. Getting my first Star wars Ewok toy for my birthday was also one of the best things in the world as I woke up one birthday morning.  It’s funny how seeing something from your past can bring a flood of memories to your mind.

This past Sunday was the first chance I’ve had to attend my new ward and for the first time I’m alone in a family ward.  It’s strange coming back to the chapel I grew up with. Some of the same families are still there so it’s good to see some familiar faces but for the most part everyone is new and unknown.  I think they have split the ward quite a few times since I’ve been gone.  About a week before I even moved into the ward I got a phone call from the executive secretary asking me to come and meet the bishop.  I was floored that they would even know I was moving into the new ward, but figured my father told the bishop because he is the Stake Executive secretary.  I told the good brother I couldn’t make it but to try again hoping he wouldn’t call back, but a week later he called and since I have a hard time telling people no I said I would do the meet and greet. 

So on a Tue night I drove over and met with my new bishop.  Nice enough guy, I remember him growing up with his bright red hair.  Always thought he was the goofy idiot of the ward though lol.   So we chatted about me and my plans.  I just had to know how he heard I was coming so I asked.  He said the Stake President of my other stake told him I was coming and that he highly recommended me for any calling.  My heart sunk since I was hoping to be calling free for the first time in the past 12 years.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy serving, I just feel so inadequate doing so since I am always given the leadership positions.  I don’t know but being a gay YSA Elders Quorum President for 2 years then the Executive secretary for the bishop and then called to a small branch as a clerk/2^nd counselor just didn’t feel like the Lord had the right person for the job. 

So when I heard the new Bishop ask me what calling I would like I didn’t know what to say.  Up until this point in my life I have always tried to please everyone and do the “right” thing.  So I told him I was hoping for a calling vacation since I would only be here till Dec.  He just laughed at me and said that was probably not going to happen but he would pray about a calling for me and talk later.  So now I am practicing my thanks but no thanks for the inevitable calling.

I forgot how crazy testimony meeting can be when you’re not in the YSA ward or a small branch with 12 people.  There were 2 mentally handicapped sisters who took a good 30 min and just yelled at everyone and a man who talked about the Dutch and the world cup.  From what I got out of what he was “testifying” about, he served in the Netherlands and went to a soccer game while on his mission.  At the game there was a baby a few rows back that wouldn’t stop crying, so the child’s mother fed her infant Heineken beer. Not sure why he felt we needed to hear this but I guess the “sprit” moved him to share J  If it wasn’t for the few "normal" testimonies given one might think they were sitting in a room with a bunch of lunatics on a field trip from the mental hospital.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my place in the church and where I see myself in 5 or 10 years.  Someone asked me 2 months ago why I still attend church. I’m not sure I gave him the reason he was looking for at the time but it gave me the opportunity to think about this question every week since.  I love the gospel of Christ, I love the growth in my life because of following its teachings and I love the tender mercies of the lord.  I love going because it refreshes my soul and helps bring to remembrance whats important to me.  I'm not perfect but going to church brings me a little more happiness most weeks than not going and until that changes I will continue to attend as I try to figure out how I plan on getting off my fence.

The receding glacier of my life

Up until this past April I have felt my life has been frozen under a massive glacier trying to deal with being gay and being an active faithful Mormon while living up here in Alaska.

By making the choice of being honest with myself and to those I love, I can now say that I feel the weight of this glacier has finally started melting.  It’s taken me a lifetime of pain, hurt, confusion, friendships, guidance, struggling, mistakes and pondering to bring me to where I’m at today—a feeling of acceptance and readiness to move on with a different life than I had ever anticipated or expected.  I'm actually excited about this prospect, for the first time in my life I can step down from the pedestal I have been on for so long and just be me.

As this glacier retreats I can now see my new life emerge from where there was once nothing but the appearance of perfection as I have always strived to project the persona of the "perfect Mormon boy" to keep my secret safe and please others.  I know it can take a lifetime for a glacier to fully melt, but I am now happy about who I am and look forward to finding greater happiness as a gay Mormon trying to live the gospel the best he can as I embark on the path of my future.  "Life is to be enjoyed, not endured" -Gordon B. Hinckley 


Today being the 4th of July, a day of declaring independence and celebration I thought it would be appropriate to post my first post today as I celebrate the birth and independence of a great nation as well as the birth and independence of a new MoHo.  ME! :)