Flooding Memories

Recently this past month I moved into a new apartment across town, which happens to be the same apt I grew up in when I was growing up.  It’s odd thinking that I now sleep in the same room my brothers and sisters were conceived in.  My first gay experience happened just behind this duplex in the alleyway with my best friend as we played around.  I also had my fist playing “doctor” with another young girl friend in the duplex next door. 

So many memories from my past happened here.  The front door is the same door I stood at and asked my Father why he divorced my Mother.  His response still rings in my head to this day.  “I just didn’t love her anymore.”  Not all memories were bad. I vividly remember getting baptized and having a family party after in the kitchen and eating all the cookies I wanted. Getting my first Star wars Ewok toy for my birthday was also one of the best things in the world as I woke up one birthday morning.  It’s funny how seeing something from your past can bring a flood of memories to your mind.

This past Sunday was the first chance I’ve had to attend my new ward and for the first time I’m alone in a family ward.  It’s strange coming back to the chapel I grew up with. Some of the same families are still there so it’s good to see some familiar faces but for the most part everyone is new and unknown.  I think they have split the ward quite a few times since I’ve been gone.  About a week before I even moved into the ward I got a phone call from the executive secretary asking me to come and meet the bishop.  I was floored that they would even know I was moving into the new ward, but figured my father told the bishop because he is the Stake Executive secretary.  I told the good brother I couldn’t make it but to try again hoping he wouldn’t call back, but a week later he called and since I have a hard time telling people no I said I would do the meet and greet. 

So on a Tue night I drove over and met with my new bishop.  Nice enough guy, I remember him growing up with his bright red hair.  Always thought he was the goofy idiot of the ward though lol.   So we chatted about me and my plans.  I just had to know how he heard I was coming so I asked.  He said the Stake President of my other stake told him I was coming and that he highly recommended me for any calling.  My heart sunk since I was hoping to be calling free for the first time in the past 12 years.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy serving, I just feel so inadequate doing so since I am always given the leadership positions.  I don’t know but being a gay YSA Elders Quorum President for 2 years then the Executive secretary for the bishop and then called to a small branch as a clerk/2^nd counselor just didn’t feel like the Lord had the right person for the job. 

So when I heard the new Bishop ask me what calling I would like I didn’t know what to say.  Up until this point in my life I have always tried to please everyone and do the “right” thing.  So I told him I was hoping for a calling vacation since I would only be here till Dec.  He just laughed at me and said that was probably not going to happen but he would pray about a calling for me and talk later.  So now I am practicing my thanks but no thanks for the inevitable calling.

I forgot how crazy testimony meeting can be when you’re not in the YSA ward or a small branch with 12 people.  There were 2 mentally handicapped sisters who took a good 30 min and just yelled at everyone and a man who talked about the Dutch and the world cup.  From what I got out of what he was “testifying” about, he served in the Netherlands and went to a soccer game while on his mission.  At the game there was a baby a few rows back that wouldn’t stop crying, so the child’s mother fed her infant Heineken beer. Not sure why he felt we needed to hear this but I guess the “sprit” moved him to share J  If it wasn’t for the few "normal" testimonies given one might think they were sitting in a room with a bunch of lunatics on a field trip from the mental hospital.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my place in the church and where I see myself in 5 or 10 years.  Someone asked me 2 months ago why I still attend church. I’m not sure I gave him the reason he was looking for at the time but it gave me the opportunity to think about this question every week since.  I love the gospel of Christ, I love the growth in my life because of following its teachings and I love the tender mercies of the lord.  I love going because it refreshes my soul and helps bring to remembrance whats important to me.  I'm not perfect but going to church brings me a little more happiness most weeks than not going and until that changes I will continue to attend as I try to figure out how I plan on getting off my fence.