“The letter” to my parents…

I’ve been meaning to share this for awhile because I thought it would be useful to those who may be coming out now themselves.  When I wrote this I was very happy for the ideas and suggestions of others who had already gone through this process.  So best of luck and feel free to email me with any questions.
I will say this.. I wrote this letter so I could get all of my feelings and ideas down and present it to my parents in a way where they could read it and reread it before we talked about it.  It worked very well for me and my situation but a letter might not work best for everyone.  My life has been soo much better since I took this major step and it gets better everyday.  Perfect no…but better!

Mom, Dad, and Step Parents,
I just wanted to let you know how much you mean to me and that I love you. Even though I don’t show my feelings very often, please know that you mean the world to me and I appreciate your examples.
I have a strong testimony of the gospel, I know God lives and The Church of Jesus Christ is true.  I know the plan of happiness is true, but I find myself stuck in neutral on the road back to our Father in Heaven. I have always tried to be a good son and member of the Church. I have never wanted to let you down, and I really want you to be proud of me in whatever I do in life. However, I feel like I'm going to let you down with the news I'm going to share with you in this letter.
I need to take a quick moment and explain the reasons that I decided to write you this letter instead of talking with you in person or over the phone. First, this is a long letter and it contains a lot of information. You can read it slowly, read it over multiple times, or take a break if you want. With a conversation, when it’s over, it’s over and there’s nothing tangible that we can go back to for review, clarification, or validation. Second, this gives you the opportunity to let the information settle before you react. Reading this letter, and for me writing this letter, we’re able to cry, get mad, or do anything else we need to do. With conversations, it’s face to face. There’s also the possibility that your emotions could give way to misunderstandings that create unnecessary concerns or prompt ill-founded comments. The last reason is that telling you my feelings is very hard for me to do. I can look at my computer screen and type the feelings of my heart and mind, but I don’t know that I could look into your faces and share it completely.  I respect your ideas and opinions, and I treasure the virtues and values you’ve taught me. I think it’s because of how much I love you and how highly I esteem the things you’ve taught me that I don’t want to do this in person.  Do understand though, that I fully expect to talk with you about this over the phone and in person. In fact, I want to. I don't want my feelings to never be talked about. I just felt that it would be most helpful to breach the surface with a letter…so, here it is.
I never imagined that I would be at this point in my life, but after much prayer I feel I need to tell you that I have same sex attractions, or in other words, I’m gay. What I’m supposed to desire and experience relative to girls, I experience with guys.
What does that mean?   Even though I have tried long and hard, I just don’t have any attractions for girls. I only feel an attraction towards guys.  My attraction to guys goes far beyond the physical attraction; it does have a physical component, but it is a matter of feeling fulfilled on an emotional, social, spiritual, and personal level. For me, the physical attraction to guys is simply that, physical.  I am attracted to good looking guys, just like each of you are attracted to the opposite sex, but my attractions are more than that, as I explained above. I don’t know if I can really explain it any better for you because it is so personal. I don’t think I could find words to express how I really feel.
I did not choose to be gay, and you didn’t choose to be straight.  You didn’t choose to have blonde or brown hair.  You didn’t choose to be left or right handed.  It is something that is a part of me and my nature. There are a lot of different theories about the causes of homosexuality and some may be closer to the truth than others, but it depends on the person.  I don’t really have an opinion one way or the other, but I don’t think it really matters.  Having these attractions are as natural to me as my love for you as my family.
I do appreciate a beautiful woman and can respect women for the blessed part they play in God’s plan. But the thought of me being married to woman is disheartening. As you all know, I’ve dated some great girls, and we subsequently became good friends. However, for each of them there came a time when they wanted to take the next step in our relationship and I just couldn’t do it. I would try so hard to reconcile my feelings and desires—to allow myself to further pursue those relationships—but it became so much more of a chore than something I enjoyed. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us.  I loved them, but I was not in love with them in a way that I could marry them. I didn’t want to marry them to fill the emptiness in my life and to meet others expectations. That, I felt and continue to feel, would bring me even more unhappiness and heartache in my life.  I only want to marry someone for the right reasons in the house of the Lord, someone I love with all my heart who will love me back for who I am.
I know our society only shows the outlandish and fringe gay people in the media but those are society’s stereotypes of homosexuals. As you know, I'm not like that and it is not who I want to be. I’m not a pedophile, and I’m not hyper-sexual or confused.  I’m a Mormon living the gospel who’s gay. You must remember that my attractions only make up a small part of who I am. I am much more than my attractions, I am AKLDS.
I’ve finally come to terms with what I feel–I know what it means. Now, the only question is what I’m going to do about it. I’m sure that you feel surprised when I say that I’m not sure what I’ll do about it.  Right now just taking this step is a big one for me, but I plan on living a gospel centered life as best as I can as I search for happiness. I might need some time and help from you to figure out the path that is best for me. It is my hope that you will have an open mind to help me discover my way in life.
The obvious and easy answer is to fix it and move on to marriage and a family—that’s the purpose of this life. So, God will help us to achieve it, right? Well, that’s not the case; our trials in life just don’t always disappear for everyone.  I’ve known for a long time that I had these feelings. I thought I could just suppress them and that if I tried replacing them with other feelings they would go away.  I’ve tried being faithful in the church, pleading with the Lord, fasting, temple attendance, patience and every other possibility but for me the Lord has other plans.  I’ve really tried for the past 15 years or so.  I’ve realized that I’m probably going to have this trial until the next life, which is now ok with me.  It could be something much worse. 
It’s not a sickness. The church has altered its position regarding "changing" homosexuals. Decades ago, Spencer Kimball wrote: "Certainly it can be overcome, for there are numerous happy people who were once involved in its clutches and who have since completely transformed their lives. Therefore to those who say that this practice or any other evil is incurable, I respond: ‘How can you say the door cannot be opened until your knuckles are bloody, till your head is bruised, till your muscles are sore?’ It can be done." In the present day, the church acknowledges that homosexuals "may not be free of this challenge in this life" and that marriage should not be seen as a means of treating or changing someone.
I also want to say that I don’t loathe myself for feeling this way anymore, I’m not trying to hide it anymore, and I’m not trying to change myself anymore—through my faith in God, therapy, visits with priesthood leaders, or any other means.   I finally received an answer to my prayers over the last month.  I now feel at peace and understand that I am exactly the way God made me. He has no plans on changing me, because this is who I am. In my Patriarchal Blessing it tells me “He will tempt you with some of his most vile sins and influences.”  I’ve know I have this adversity and he wants me to learn from it.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t believe he can change me.  I believe he can, but he doesn’t want me to change this part of me.  He wants me to grow from this trial.  Just like he has the power to heal both my sister and brother in their extreme physical trials, he probably will not in this life.  Am I ok with this?  Yes.
My patriarchal blessing also tells me “Prepare for your greatest Priesthood calling, that of a husband and father.  Carry the title of “Father” with pride and dedication knowing it is the title by which we address the God of All Creation.  You will be blessed with a faithful companion and sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise.  You will be blessed with spirits from heaven.  Direct the destiny of your family with love, patience, and understanding.”  The desire to be sealed to a beautiful and faithful companion and have a family burns so deeply in my heart, but at this point in my life I just can’t see it happing any time soon. My heartaches as I watch friends and family marry and enjoy the companionship of a spouse and the joy of children in their lives.  I'm happy for them, but I would be more happy If I had that joy in my life. One thing I have learned throughout my life is to have patience and faith. 
So where am I today?
I know that I am a loved son of God.  I know he wants me to have all of the blessings of eternal life. He wants me to become like Him. I know that he calls prophets and apostle and I sustain them as such and I know that I need to continue to exercise faith in my life.
I believe that there is a large misunderstanding in the church and the world about my trial.  Everyone has some challenges they have to struggle with.  Homosexuality is common in our society and it has also become much politicized.  Elder Holland said: “in saying this, let me make it clear that attractions alone, troublesome as they may be, do not make one unworthy. The First Presidency has stated, “There is a distinction between immoral thoughts and feelings and participating in either immoral heterosexual or any homosexual behavior.”  If you do not act on temptations, you have not transgressed. The sin is in yielding to temptation. Temptation is not unique.” Even the Savior was tempted.
I’m far from being like the Savior but it’s my goal to become like him.  I know and love his teachings and the values the church has distilled in me.  I feel happy when I live the gospel.  I know that through the Atonement I can receive the opportunity, as long as I am willing, to prepare myself for eternal life with him.  I have felt the hand of God in my life and know he knows me personally and is willing to help and guide me in my adversity if I allow him.  I also know that I am not perfect and will make mistakes as I go through life, but I know no matter how far down a path I go, I can always turn around.
One thing that has brought me great comfort was reading a talk Elder Bruce Hafen gave that said:
"Elder Maxwell once taught a group of people who lived with really hard daily challenges.  He had been watching the Olympic diving competition, where he had learned that the judges grade a dive not just by how graceful it looks to the public, but by how difficult the dive is—which only the judges can understand enough to measure. Elder Maxwell told this group that the Lord will judge their lives by the difficulty of their dive, which He understands in every detail."
I know that God is the only one who knows me 100% and I will be judged by only him and I am ok with that because I know he knows how hard my "dive" is in life.
I’m still sometimes confused and depressed about this trial but I am trying to understand it more and more each day.  I know that I experience something about guys that I can’t experience about girls or at least haven’t yet.  I wish I was straight, life would be so much easier, but dwelling on this wishing has brought me into serious depression too many times.  I’m ready to move on.  I’ve tried therapy at school and it didn’t help.  I’m not going to try and change the way I am anymore.  I will always try to allow the spirit to influence my choices, but only by making choices myself can I grow in this life.
What will I do then?  I’m not sure.  I love you.  I’m the same person I was yesterday, last week, last year and have always been.  I haven’t changed who I am at all.  I’m just being open and honest finally about my feelings and I will try my best not  to strip myself of integrity or morals by being a lustful or promiscuous person. But I feel I need to make some lasting meaningful friendships in my life for me to find some happiness.
I have joined some groups online with other LDS gay guys who are in the same boat as I and have also become friends with other LDS gay guys online.  It has helped a lot knowing for the first time in my life that I am not alone with this trial.  It feels great being able to talk to someone honestly and open who understand what I am going through.  My outlook on life has improved because of the friendships I have made.   Life sucks when you always feel so alone and desire so much for a real connection with another person.
I don’t really know what the future holds for me.  I have a hard time planning and setting any great goals because I feel it’s kind of pointless to work so hard for what, myself?   What good will a lot of money and a big house do for me if I’m alone and no one to share it with.  So I look towards the future with some hesitancy.  I am a little afraid I’ll become someone that I’ll regret, or that I’ll regret living alone, or that I’ll regret marrying, or that I’ll regret something that I might choose to do in the future. 
I know what I want, I know what is true, and I know where I should be, but knowing these things hasn’t always stopped me from making mistakes.  I really want to live the gospel because I know it's true.  At the same time I'm so tired of being alone.  Trying to live the Gospel while dealing with same sex attraction is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. In order to get the square through, something’s got to give.  I want to enjoy life with someone who I can love and will love me for who I am.  I’m not sure where this desire will take me but I want you to know it’s real and it’s something that I will have to face sometime in my life. How am I going to live in the future?  I greatly desire to live according to the gospel but to be completely honest I will have to face the future when I get there.
It’s taken me a lifetime of pain, hurt, confusion, friendships, guidance, struggling, mistakes and pondering to bring me to where I’m at today—a feeling of acceptance and readiness to move on with a different life than I had ever anticipated or expected.  Some days, while attending church or just being at home, I feel completely miserable.   I constantly have a feeling of being alone even though I have great family and friends.  Sometimes comments are made concerning, marriage, and homosexuality that just tear me up inside.
However, I know I have felt happiness at church and that I have been comforted due to the spirit and through personal prayer.  Just a few weeks ago I really didn’t feel like going to church because I had been depressed all weekend, but because I went, I felt the tender mercies of the Lord as certain things were said during the talks given and especially during the Sunday school lesson.  I know He loves me.
One of the things I greatly desire from my family members who I tell is the love, support, and acceptance of this challenge I have. I wish that all of you may keep your minds open in order to comprehend what is going through my mind and heart and to have the ability to understand why I make the decisions I do.
I understand it will be hard for you to accept this but I pray you will still see me for the person I am and not my trials.  I know that it has taken a lot of time for me to accept this part of me so I promise to be patient with you.  Believe me I know it definitely takes time to wrap your mind around this, but do feel assured that things are OK and that they are going to remain that way.  I’m mostly healthy except this dang cough, most often happy, and prepared to move forward with a productive life whatever it may be.
I am always willing to talk privately if you have any questions, which I’m sure you will.
Please don’t tell any extended family or friends.  If you want my brothers and sisters to know, please let me tell them.  If you want to keep this between the four of us for now, that’s ok too. I love you guys and feel really fortunate to have you in my life. 
One last thing: After reading this if you have concerns that I’m going to do or say something that you would have previously considered inconsistent with me and my character, understand that I have not changed and that I am exactly the same person you knew yesterday. I’ve not been pretending or faking my personality.   I’m still me.  I love my family and extended family, the church, traveling, learning, playing games, skiing, reading, being with friends, teaching, serving others, and just being myself.  That’s all unchangeable.  Please don’t let this bring you down too much.  I’m sure this won’t be the last trial our family faces.  We are not unstable, in crisis, or in need of immediate action.  Take your time, don’t dwell on it, and remember who I really am.
I really try to keep my feelings and problems close to my chest but now know that doing so hasn’t brought me much happiness.  The fear of rejection by my family and that I will be treated differently has kept me from being true to myself and those whom I love for too long.
The reason for this letter is to really let you know that I love you and for you to know who I am and hope for your love and support.
Most importantly please don’t blame yourselves.  It’s not your fault.  I don’t think you will blame yourselves but if you try, understand there is nowhere to point the blame.  It’s just one of my trials in life.  I pray for the best and for your understanding.  I love you all very much.
Love,
Your son
AKLDS

Trust

I had planned on blogging sooner since I got back from my vacation but there is always something that comes up that takes priority over sitting down and writing my thoughts out for the world to read.  I will try to do better and am starting with this post.

Trust is something that I have a hard time giving to people in my life because I have been hurt by those close to me when I was younger.  Coming out to my family was one of the hardest things I have ever done but one of the most important.

Once I was able to reconcile my feelings about being gay and was able to end the denial about my sexuality I was able to out myself to my parents. In doing so I had to put my trust in them that they would still be there for me and accept me.  Of course I had no way of knowing how it would turn out and had to go way out on a limb in doing so but it worked out for the best.  I must say even though my parents are very stanch Mormons and don’t agree with being gay they are still there for me and express their love for me.

Once that giant step was taken I was ready and able to tackle the issue with the many brothers and sisters I have.  I’m one for managing my stress so I took the task of telling them one at a time and on my own time.  I”m happy  to say that each one that I have talked to have said that they still love, respect and think I’m still the same brother to them.

I have even told a few of my close friends and trusted them with my “secret” and so far so good.  My experience up to this point with trusting others with my most personal feelings has been very good and my capacity to trust has grown which is a good thing. 

When I dated girls I never was concerned with the trust issue, because I knew deep down that nothing would ever come from the dates.  They were just for “fun”.  I feel I was just using the girls as another mask to hide my real self and to keep everyone around me happy because of the great expectation of marriage and family in the Mormon culture.  How could I as a closeted Mormon ever Really trust a girl I was dating with who I really was…?

Which leads me to a new chapter in my life, one where I am starting to date other guys. Here I still have a hard time with trust.  With family and friends I had already invested a lot of myself in before hand and the risks although very high were worth it to me.  Now I have thoroughly enjoyed the times I have had dating but I'm concerned about putting myself out there emotionally because of the great risk of being hurt.  I lack the trust in another gay guy because I have seen a lot of my friends get hurt and have heard that gay relationships “really don’t last”.

The other half of my concern is hurting others unintentionally.  Now I strongly believe that with any good relationship one should start out as friends and then see where it goes.  So I’m very friendly and love making new friends and keeping in touch with old ones.  In doing so I think some guys mistake my friendliness with something more and I find myself in the situation of guys falling for me and having them express their love for me.  I don’t think I am anything but honest with those I talk to and let all guys know that I am planning on dating a lot before I have any serious relationship with anyone guy, but still feel that some don’t get it and I see them getting hurt and I hate thinking that I’m part of any persons hurt.

So I’m trying to sort out how much trust do I let myself put out I guess as I start dating.  I know that the basis of most good relationships is trust. If you cannot trust the other person, then the relationship is never going to run very deep. Building trust takes time, especially when one or both parties have been hurt in the past but I have all the time in the world and have learned to be patience.  Even if I sometimes get tired of being patience.

What I want out of life now is a relationship that runs deep and is meaningful. So I think it will be a trial and error sort of practice for me and I’m confident that I will get it right as I search for “Mr. Right”.   “Gold is refined through intense heat.” and there is a lot of heat to go around.

Vacation!

So it's been a crazy week and I just haven't had time to post but will when I get some time.  Today though I'm going to be enjoying the sun and heat of Utah!

My time with some Fresh Air

One of the pleasures of my life is listening to National Public Radio when I drive around in my car.  I know it’s pretty dorky but it’s the only talk radio show that I can stand to listen to anymore and as it turns out it’s actually great programming .  One of my favorite shows on N.P.R. is Fresh Air with Terry Gross and unless I’m listening to music on my Blackberry you can find her on my radio daily as I drive home from work.

This past Wednesday Terry was interviewing comedian Louis C.K. who stars in the FX TV series Louie. 

Now to be honest I wasn't very interested in Mr. C.K. since I had never heard of him or his show but my interest was aroused when he started speaking about his gay comedian friend Rick Crom.who also happens to have a character on the show as well .

Now I found two things to be very interesting in what Mr. C.K. had to say about gay people.  The first was how he came to know Rick and how he was interested enough to ask him about his life and being gay, and how Rick responded.

Louis wanted to use the word faggot in his stand up act and since Rick was the only gay guy he knew he asked him how he felt about it.  Now what I liked was how Rick responded, he pretty much said yes it hurts if you mean it, because of the hate that often is behind the word but if you want to use it onstage in your act, go for it and get your laughs.

He then asked Mr. C.K. “Are you interested to know what it might mean to gay men? “  To which Mr. C.K. responded “Yeah, I am interested. “

Rick then said:  “Well, the word faggot really means a bundle of sticks used for kindling in a fire. Now, in the Middle Ages, when they used to burn people they thought were witches, they used to burn homosexuals, too. And they used to burn the witches at a stake, but they thought the homosexuals were too low and disgusting to be given a stake to be burned on. So they used to just throw them in with the kindling, with the other faggots. So that's how you get flaming faggot…you know, now you know what it means.“

Now just having come out to a small part of my world, I luckily haven't had to deal with this issue personally but I have seen others deal with it as I stood silently on the sidelines and watched in fear that if I spoke up I might be branded as “one of them” and my dark secret would be known..

I know I have struggled with fear a lot in my life, as I’m sure a lot of other gay Mormon’s have, but as I have learned to move past the fear I have found that in most cases my fears have been unfounded and have kept me back in moving forward in my life. 

Brendan Francis said, “Many of our fears are tissue-paper-thin, and a single courageous step would carry us clear through them.”

Finding that single step has brought me great joy because it has set me free from the darkness and I have decided to do better in my future in tackling my fears.

I really respect Louis friend Rick for taking the stand and sharing his feelings as a friend even if the actual story of the word faggot is true or not, what is important is the impact it had on Mr. C.K., he said since his friend shared that with him he has never forgotten it and because of that we find this story being retold in a sitcom on national television  Which I hope will bring more good and understanding to the world.

The second part of the interview that I found very interesting  was Mr. C.K.’s feelings on why gay men he knows are more confidant and centered than their fellow heterosexual men.

Mr. C.K. says: “And it's funny because, you know, gay men have to - they're put sort of a crucible. And I'm speak--you know, it's not - I'm just taking liberty in saying this. Gay men have to go through something to own their - who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people.

They come out having been tested and having to really figure out who they are to get through it, because I think that's how you get through any kind of a test is by really finding your strengths and believing in yourself. So a lot of gay people who are still standing and still strong, that's who they are.

Heterosexual men have never been put through that test. We don't get -nobody goes, oh, my God, you like women? And you don't have to defend it for your whole life. So we're not so sure about our sexuality. I think that's one reason why heterosexual men attack gay people or are afraid of them because they're now confident and they've gone through this, but we don't know who we are sexually. We're a mess. So I think that that's why the two sides of the sexual barrier is such an interesting - it's such an interesting conflict”

Speaking for myself since this is my blog, I feel that Louis is spot on with his observations about gay men being put through a crucible of sorts in life, especially MOHO’s. I spent most of my life in denial of my sexuality because I was afraid to find out what would happen to my “perfect” life if I was to ever admit I was gay.  When I did “go though something of my own”  I really had to search for inner  strength and belief in myself to get me through the tough times.  Having done so though, I found that I am more confident and a stronger person then before.  I also find that I’m in a much better place then when I started.

That’s part of the problem I think heterosexuals face, not really understanding first what it’s like to be gay but also not understanding the journey we have to face when we figure this complicated mess out ourselves.

Flooding Memories

Recently this past month I moved into a new apartment across town, which happens to be the same apt I grew up in when I was growing up.  It’s odd thinking that I now sleep in the same room my brothers and sisters were conceived in.  My first gay experience happened just behind this duplex in the alleyway with my best friend as we played around.  I also had my fist playing “doctor” with another young girl friend in the duplex next door. 

So many memories from my past happened here.  The front door is the same door I stood at and asked my Father why he divorced my Mother.  His response still rings in my head to this day.  “I just didn’t love her anymore.”  Not all memories were bad. I vividly remember getting baptized and having a family party after in the kitchen and eating all the cookies I wanted. Getting my first Star wars Ewok toy for my birthday was also one of the best things in the world as I woke up one birthday morning.  It’s funny how seeing something from your past can bring a flood of memories to your mind.

This past Sunday was the first chance I’ve had to attend my new ward and for the first time I’m alone in a family ward.  It’s strange coming back to the chapel I grew up with. Some of the same families are still there so it’s good to see some familiar faces but for the most part everyone is new and unknown.  I think they have split the ward quite a few times since I’ve been gone.  About a week before I even moved into the ward I got a phone call from the executive secretary asking me to come and meet the bishop.  I was floored that they would even know I was moving into the new ward, but figured my father told the bishop because he is the Stake Executive secretary.  I told the good brother I couldn’t make it but to try again hoping he wouldn’t call back, but a week later he called and since I have a hard time telling people no I said I would do the meet and greet. 

So on a Tue night I drove over and met with my new bishop.  Nice enough guy, I remember him growing up with his bright red hair.  Always thought he was the goofy idiot of the ward though lol.   So we chatted about me and my plans.  I just had to know how he heard I was coming so I asked.  He said the Stake President of my other stake told him I was coming and that he highly recommended me for any calling.  My heart sunk since I was hoping to be calling free for the first time in the past 12 years.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy serving, I just feel so inadequate doing so since I am always given the leadership positions.  I don’t know but being a gay YSA Elders Quorum President for 2 years then the Executive secretary for the bishop and then called to a small branch as a clerk/2^nd counselor just didn’t feel like the Lord had the right person for the job. 

So when I heard the new Bishop ask me what calling I would like I didn’t know what to say.  Up until this point in my life I have always tried to please everyone and do the “right” thing.  So I told him I was hoping for a calling vacation since I would only be here till Dec.  He just laughed at me and said that was probably not going to happen but he would pray about a calling for me and talk later.  So now I am practicing my thanks but no thanks for the inevitable calling.

I forgot how crazy testimony meeting can be when you’re not in the YSA ward or a small branch with 12 people.  There were 2 mentally handicapped sisters who took a good 30 min and just yelled at everyone and a man who talked about the Dutch and the world cup.  From what I got out of what he was “testifying” about, he served in the Netherlands and went to a soccer game while on his mission.  At the game there was a baby a few rows back that wouldn’t stop crying, so the child’s mother fed her infant Heineken beer. Not sure why he felt we needed to hear this but I guess the “sprit” moved him to share J  If it wasn’t for the few "normal" testimonies given one might think they were sitting in a room with a bunch of lunatics on a field trip from the mental hospital.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my place in the church and where I see myself in 5 or 10 years.  Someone asked me 2 months ago why I still attend church. I’m not sure I gave him the reason he was looking for at the time but it gave me the opportunity to think about this question every week since.  I love the gospel of Christ, I love the growth in my life because of following its teachings and I love the tender mercies of the lord.  I love going because it refreshes my soul and helps bring to remembrance whats important to me.  I'm not perfect but going to church brings me a little more happiness most weeks than not going and until that changes I will continue to attend as I try to figure out how I plan on getting off my fence.

The receding glacier of my life

Up until this past April I have felt my life has been frozen under a massive glacier trying to deal with being gay and being an active faithful Mormon while living up here in Alaska.

By making the choice of being honest with myself and to those I love, I can now say that I feel the weight of this glacier has finally started melting.  It’s taken me a lifetime of pain, hurt, confusion, friendships, guidance, struggling, mistakes and pondering to bring me to where I’m at today—a feeling of acceptance and readiness to move on with a different life than I had ever anticipated or expected.  I'm actually excited about this prospect, for the first time in my life I can step down from the pedestal I have been on for so long and just be me.

As this glacier retreats I can now see my new life emerge from where there was once nothing but the appearance of perfection as I have always strived to project the persona of the "perfect Mormon boy" to keep my secret safe and please others.  I know it can take a lifetime for a glacier to fully melt, but I am now happy about who I am and look forward to finding greater happiness as a gay Mormon trying to live the gospel the best he can as I embark on the path of my future.  "Life is to be enjoyed, not endured" -Gordon B. Hinckley 


Today being the 4th of July, a day of declaring independence and celebration I thought it would be appropriate to post my first post today as I celebrate the birth and independence of a great nation as well as the birth and independence of a new MoHo.  ME! :)